Terror at 14 1/2 Feet

I missed the Bob Newhart Show. You remember, the one where he was a psychiatrist?

Special guest star: Peter Falk as Columbo, Young Larry, Young Darryl and Young Darryl.

Script by: Robert P Chansky

Act I

Scene: a crowd of people getting onto a plane. Inside the plane, they all take seats. Bob is given a mic to talk to them. He taps the mic. 

Bob: Is this thing on?

Everyone: Yes, Bob.

Bob: Welcome to Flight Zero. I’m calling it that because we aren’t getting off the ground today. I know some of you are nervous about this, and for some of you it took a certain amount of.. persuasion to board the flight with us. But like I said it’s not a flight. We’ll just taxi around the airport for a while, then disembark. Next time we go in the air, but only to circle around the airport. 

Matt, in the front row: well, as you know Bob, this is to desensitize our fear of flying. 

Bob: Why.. are you telling me this?

Matt: Well someone’s got to.

Susie, in the front row: Matt, we don’t call it fear of flying anymore. We call it altitude anxiety.

Matt: Oh. Oh yeah. Okay. 

Bob: some of you are my patients and some of you are Dr. Nardo’s patients, so just introduce yourselves if you don’t know each other. 

Matt: Bob. I have social anxiety.

Bob: Well here’s the best place to desensitize yourself to it. Go on.

[The plane starts taxiing, and everyone stiffens up in fear, tries to control it. ]

[Bob, on the mic: now again, we’re just going to be rolling around the runway, just taxiing around like I told you, no flying today. ]

[Matt introduces himself to the woman next to him, who’s looking a lot more nervous than anyone else here, sitting stiffly upright in her seat. She is noncommital to him.]

Woman: I’m on the wrong flight. I’m really on the wrong flight.

Matt: Oh that’s just fear of fly—I mean altitude anxiety.

Woman: No, no really, I’m on the wrong flight. I never should have signed up for this. Do we have enough fuel to get to Cuba? 

Matt: what? We’re—[laughs nervously] we’re not going to cuba. We’re not going anywhere, you heard Dr. Bob. Just taxiing around the runway. [Rising anxiety] Dr. Bob made a deal with the airline to do this for us. I mean we’re not going anywhere, right?

Matt tries to get reassurance from the other passengers, who reassure him but also take on some of his nervousness.

Bob gets up and addresses the group again. 

Bob: No—no—now you guys—again, we’re not going anywhere. 

PA system, it’s Bob’s friend the pilot: Howdy, folks! Welcome to flight Zero. We’re just beginning our taxi around the airport, and then it’s off to Cuba! 

[Everyone on the plane reacts.

Bob scrambles to the pilot cabin door and opens it (you could do that back then).]

Bob: Howard, I told you, don’t joke with them, they’re scared!

Howard: Aw, I’m sorry Bob. 

Howard, On the PA system: Okay, okay guys, I was just kidding. Just a taxi around the airport here today, that’s all. That’s all!

Everyone relaxes for while. 

Drinks are served, people have more relaxed conversations.

Passenger in the front row tries to chat up a female passenger. 

Passenger: So, are you afraid here often?

Front-row Nervous Woman, who’s been getting more and more tense all this time, stands up.

Nervous Woman: alright, everybody! Listen! I have a bomb. I’ll shoot if you don’t do what I say!

Matt: you’ll shoot me with a bomb?

NW: And a gun! I have a bomb and a gun and I’ll blow you up and then shoot you!

Matt: Might be expeditious to do the shooting part first—

Bob, looking nervous, shushes him.

Matt: Oh Bob. I’m onto you. You didn’t think you could stage something like this did you? Really, and after chastising our pilot for pulling our legs. 

Bob: I—uh—no, this isn’t—

Matt: [laughs] Really clever. Desensitization. That’s what it’s all about.

Woman: we’re going to Cuba or I blow up this plane and shoot all of you. 

Matt: [chuckling] you really gotta rework the order there.

Bob to the Woman: look, if this is some kind of joke, you need to stop it. There are people truly in fear here. I mean—I mean look at them.

Bob gestures to the passengers down the aisles, and they’re all laughing at him, joking about the woman and the situation. 

Someone: She’s good Bob, are you splitting your fee with her?

Someone else: I want my money back, I still hate flying!

Someone else: I really think Matt’s right, you should shoot first and blow up the plane after. That’s a way better plan. Bob, did you brief her on this beforehand? The quality of today’s hijacker is really going downhill.

Yet another someone: you just can’t get good help these days.

First someone: ain’t it the truth. I tried to hire a bank robber to put my bank out of business so they wouldn’t foreclose on me, it was a genius plan, you’d think it would work, but lemme tell you—

The Woman pulls out a gun, and fires into the ceiling.

Powder and stuff from the ceiling falls on her head.

Everyone stops talking.

Woman: I warned you. I said I had a gun, didn’t I? [Buttonholing Bob] Didn’t I? 

Bob: Well yes. Yes, you did. Although you, you did say you had a bomb first.

Woman pulls open her vest, revealing another vest inside wired and with red detonators and dynamite sticks.

Everyone reacts.

Woman: all right. No more funny stuff. This plane goes to Cuba, or it goes to pieces!

A few seconds of everyone being shocked.

Melodramatic music.

[Commercial break]

Act II

[Music: Bob Newhart intro music, with a discordant, dramatic note]

[Scene: the Woman stands up in front of the aisle, she’s got a gun, there’s broken stuff in her hair, she’s threatening them all.]

Matt [looking at the cabin roof]: Wow, Bob, are they gonna charge you for that?

Bob to Matt: For the last time, this is—wait a minute. No. No, I mean yes, okay look, this was just a scheme to help you all get over your fear of flying. Yes. She’s an actor, see, and she’s pretending to hijack the plane. So your job is to—[he starts to whisper, so it’s just between them] your job is to play along. Just pretend to be frightened. But it’s all pretend. 

Matt [stage whispering]: But won’t that spoil it?

Bob: It’s the nature of this sort of thing that it works even if you know it’s not real.

Matt: Wow!

Bob: but don’t tell anyone else. [Louder] Especially not Phyllis! she’ll tell everyone.

Bob gets up, hesitantly goes to talk to the Woman, asking if they could talk privately in the back of the plane. Bob and the Woman go back there.

Matt [once Bob is gone]: Psssst. Phyllis. Did you hear that?

Phyllis: every word. I knew it! 

[Scene: the empty rear of the plane, all empty seats. Bob and the Woman are standing in the aisle.]

Bob: Look, what’s your name?

Claire: Claire. Don’t ask me why I need to do this.

Bob looks confused for a second.

Bob: why.. why do you need to do this?

Claire: I said don’t ask me that. 

Bob: You have to admit I can’t start anywhere else.

Claire: Okay, that’s fair. Look, the worker’s paradise is coming our way, like it or not, and all the fat cats and the corrupt governments will soar skyward in inescapable conflagration! So we need to go to Cuba.

Bob: I think, um. I’m not quite following the, um, part between the soaring and, and Cuba. But look. Behind me, all my patients think you’re part of an act. You could just walk off the plane and no one would think twice. You could just stop this now.

Claire thinks about this.

Bob: Of course.. You know.. I need to send you a bill for the, um. The ceiling. I’m gonna have to explain that. 

Claire: no. No, I think I’m going to have to go with the revolution. I have a lot of personal problems, and if there’s a revolution, I won’t ever have to deal with them!

Bob: Oh. Really? Um. Well, I um, have some bad news for you.

[Scene: the front of the plane. The other passengers have found the drinks cart, and are helping themselves, and it’s a party now. The overall mood is buoyant.]

Female Someone: I never knew challenging my abject fears would be so much fun!

Male Someone else: next time, let’s go skydiving!

Female Someone: if the drinks cart can come with us!

[All the passengers laugh at this]

[Howard Comes out of the pilot’s cabin]

Howard: Hey hey hey, this is way too much fun to have on a plane. What’s going on? Where’s Bob?

Matt: we’re having a little soiree while Bob’s in the back with our [he air quotes] “hijacker”.

Howard [Also air quoting]: “Hijacker”?

Matt [putting his finger next to his nose] Hijacker.

Howard [Putting his finger next to his nose, but also concerned] Hijacker?

Matt [now concerned] Hey, who’s flying, I mean driving the plane?

Howard: Oh it’s on autopilot.

Matt: I thought autopilot was more of a flying thing.

Howard: Sure, the manual said it—[uncertainly] works on the ground too?

Someone to the person next to her: Hey, does it look to you like we’re about to roll off the runway?

Howard: Sure it works on the ground. It absolutely—I gotta go. 

[Howard runs back into the cabin]

Someone: Hey, we’re rolling off the runway!

[Suddenly, the plane makes a tight turn, and everyone is thrown away from the audience, toward the windows. Then another turn, and everyone’s thrown the opposite way. The drinks cart overturns, everyone’s drinks spill, everyone winds up thrown onto each other. Everyone panics and screams.]

[Scene: at the rear of the plane. The sounds of laughter up front have turned to panic and suddenly Claire is thrown onto Bob, then Bob onto Claire, and as he attempts to balance himself he finds he’s pulled all the wires off of Claire’s vest. Claire is trying to stand up, and she’s crying. Bob looks down at his fingers tangled with wires, then quickly hides his hands behind him, dropping the wires behind him onto a seat. Claire doesn’t see this, she straightens up, tries to breathe, but she’s in distress.]

Bob: you know.. There’s, there’s an easier way to avoid solving your personal problems. You could, you could, meet with a psychologist for years and years, and not solve them that way. It’s much more relaxing.

Claire [trying to hold herself together] I know. I tried that.

Bob: I have a therapy group, they meet every week, and each one of them is, is really not interested in solving anything whatsoever.

Claire [sniffling] I know.

Bob: Wait a minute. Claire.. You were going to that group. Tuesdays, right?

Claire [holding herself together] yes. Tuesdays.

Bob: I remember now… 

[Scene dissolves into watery memory recall transition.]

Scene: Bob’s office. The usual group therapy group is there, including Matt and Claire. 

Claire: I used to go from my home to school, and now I go from home to work and back, and it’s just the same each day, and it doesn’t seem to mean anything. Each day I have a little more money. But what’s it mean? And so I joined the Dawn of the Age of Aquarius Stamp Collector’s club, on Tuesdays at the Elks.

Bob: Okay. Now that we’ve done with checkin, Matt, I think you’ve gone through your life without really giving yourself permission to say ‘no’. So as an exercise I’d like you to say ‘no’ at least once a day to someone.

Matt [folds his arms]: I really don’t think that’s a good idea at all—

Bob: Well I think it’s a good idea.

Matt: Uh-uh.

Bob: I haven’t asked much of you in this group, have I?

Matt: [shakes his head, looks away]

Bob: Come on.

Matt: [crosses his legs]

Bob: Yes.

Matt: No. [He didn’t mean to say that, he claps his hand over his mouth]

Bob: Wait. Are you saying no, or are you doing what I said? 

Claire: You know, I’m beginning to think that life is just a dream, or a flashback, a callback to an ancient memory. I think it’s time I let myself be overcome by the ordinariness of things, and tried joining some more clubs. Maybe then I’ll find meaning in my life.

[Scene dissolves back to the airplane interior]

[Scene: back of the airplane interior. Just Claire and Bob. Claire is weeping.]

Bob: well… I guess it didn’t work out for you. I’m sorry.

Claire: Well no, it didn’t work out. Not until I found the Red Tide of the Doom of the Capitalist Roaders Club.

Bob: the Red…

Claire: on Tuesday nights at the Elks lodge. And then on Wednesdays, the Workers Paradise Liberation Front Singles Mixer. And then Thursdays the Inevitable Withering of the State Bingo Night. 

Bob: That Elks lodge is busy. So with a life so full of, of meaning and, and purpose and—and singles mixers.. Why this? 

Claire: Because there’s just so much more to life than endless striving, Bob. So much more than gathering money and status. Meaning. You know?

Bob: well.. Some of us find that in, well, not blowing people up for a start.

Claire: well I do! I’d blow up the whole world if I could! Okay except for you. You’re really nice.

[Bob puts his hand gently, lovingly, onto Claire’s upper arm.]

Bob: Claire. Please. Don’t do this.

Claire bursts into tears.

Bob: you can go right now, give this up. But promise me you’ll come back to Tuesday nights.

[She’s still weeping. Bob gives her a hug. They embrace, she drops the gun. It goes off.]

Bob: Ow. Ow. 

[Bob crouches over to a seat and sits down.

At this point, Matt and the others run back there.]

Matt: what happened? Bob, you ok?

Bob [holding his leg]: Ow. It’s—it’s okay. 

[Bob looks around, sees Claire isn’t there.]

Act III

[Hospital scene. Bob is there with his wife and a nurse, and Bob’s foot is wrapped in a huge bandage. The nurse is checking it.]

Bob: Ow. Ow.

Nurse: so really, you just sort of kicked it into the seat leg?

Bob: Ye—yes.

[Howard enters, with three disheveled adolescent boys. ]

Howard: Bob, I’m sorry about what happened, but these guys asked me to drive them to you.

[The three boys come up to Bob.]

Young Larry: Hi. I’m Young Larry, this is my brother Young Darryl, and this is my other brother Young Darryl.

[Young Darryl and Young Darryl salute with two fingers as they do.]

[Bob is dismayed.]

Young Larry: we was all set up to fix your plane like you asked, but it turns out the plane people don’t take kindly to three fellas trying to earn an honest living fixing up a plane. 

[Young Darryl and Young Darryl shake their heads in sad resignation at the state of this world.]

Young Larry: so we decided to draw up plans for a new plane design. 

[He unrolls a sheaf of blueprints, carefully plotted out airplane designs.]

Young Darryl here has read a hundred pounds of aerodynamics books, while young Darryl thinks price is paramount in this age of shrinking middle class. Darryl has found a loophole in the principles of aerodynamics that he thinks may allow for quiet supersonic flight. But Darryl thinks it won’t fly unless people can have a good drinks cart that doesn’t fall over at the first little problem. But none of that really fixes your bullethole problem. Sorry. We do pride ourselves on service, but we just can’t legally perform the job. Young Darryl here is despondent. But Darryl takes a philosophical tack: the frustration of unperformed work will increase our dedication in the long run.

[Both Young Darryls nod sagely as their brother has correctly illustrated their point of view.]

Young Larry: we’re sorry. We hope you’ll consider us for your next odd job.

[Young Larry, Young Darryl and Young Darryl leave.]

[A police detective enters the hospital room, with a flip-up notepad and a pen, writing. The police detective is disheveled, short, wearing a long trenchcoat, and seems unconcerned with his appearance.]

Columbo: that your statement?

Bob: Look, I just kicked the seat—

Columbo: Looks to me like you kicked a bullet. The one buried in the floor. 

[Bob stares at him, caught.]

Columbo: I’m also concerned about the one in the roof.

Bob: well—you see—I had a bunch of my patients on that flight, and the idea was we were going to taxi around the runway and not take off…

[Bob goes silent, Columbo waits.]

Columbo: so, naturally, the bullets started flying.

Bob [nervously picking at the bedsheets]: well, it was, it was.. An—intense lesson. On facing your fears. 

Columbo [leaning against the bed casually]: Well, Doctor Hartley, I gotta say, I got a lotta fears. I’m afraid of bears, did you know that? In the city here, not so many bears. Not to speak of. 

Bob: No. No, I think.. No bears.

Columbo: Yeah, I think we can be pretty confident, I step outside my door, I’m not gonna get mauled by a bear. Pretty much okay in terms of bears. And yet—and yet I got that fear, somehow. 

Bob: okay.

Columnbo: And your patients, afraid of flying, I can see that. Big metal tube hurtling through the air, fuel burning, wings staying on, unless they don’t. You know, when you think about it, there’s a lot there to be scared of—

Bob: well it’s, it’s a fear developed over time—

Columbo: Now, if I had a fear like that, I’d sure want to get rid of it. Couldn’t take my wife on vacation, could I?

Bob: unless it was a train.

Columbo: Sorry?

Bob: Unless.. Unless your vacation was on a train.

Columbo: Oh, of course! On a train. Maybe a scenic route, the Catskills, I hear they’re nice this time of year. They got any coffee in this hospital?

Bob: I’m sure they do, I’ll just ring for the nurse again.

Columbo: Oh, don’t bother. I hear it’s bad for the cholesterol anyway.

Bob: yeah. Gotta watch that.

Columbo: And bullets. Harmful things. But don’t you think, eh, having bullets flying while they were just getting used to being on the plane, don’t you think that’s a bit much?

Bob [sighing]: Yes. Yes, that’s.. not how I’d plan this if I were, well, planning it in any way at all.

Columbo: If you have to do it again, may I suggest—no bullets.

Bob: No bullets. Promise.

[Columbo turns to go, turns back.] 

Columbo: Oh, uh, one more thing, sir. 

Bob: yes?

Columbo: where did Claire go?

Bob: Uhh…

Columbo: The woman with the gun. She’s not on my list here. She wasn’t on your list of your patients on the plane either. Now where can I get in touch with her? Just to make sure she’s okay.

[Bob stares at Columbo]

[Commercial break]

Epilogue

[Resolution music]

[Bob is in his office with Claire and the usual group-therapy cast.]

Claire: I guess since my mom and dad didn’t pay much attention to me, I joined this group who did, and they got me to try to hijack the plane. Thanks, Dr Bob.

Bob: Well, it wasn’t easy to talk the police out of pressing charges.

Claire: and now I have to be part of your group therapy to stay out of jail.

Bob: and we’re all—grateful.

[Everyone nods, not all sincerely.

There’s a knock at the door]

Bob: who could that be? Come in!

[Detective Columbo enters]

Bob: oh—well—hello, Detective.

Columbo: Hiya, doc. 

Bob: Is, is everything all right?

Columbo: Well, to be honest with ya, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I thought I’d drop into your group and see if we could work on that. Together, you know.

Bob: it’s… It’s not about flying, is it?

[Columbo finds a spot between two other patients on the couch. He squeezes in between them. One of these is Claire, and he greets her. She greets him back nervously.

Columbo turns to the guy on the couch next to him and grins at him. The guy shifts away to another seat.]

Bob: So, what are you here to talk about?

Columbo: Well, this anxiety. It’s a kind of compulsive feeling kind of thing. A perception of balance. When he left [he points to the guy who shifted to a chair] I’m off kilter, you know what I mean?

Bob: and, what, what do you think would put you back on—on kilter?

Columbo: Balance, I think. Yeah, balance.

Bob: what, what do you mean?

[Columbo pats the couch next to him. Claire looks nervous but stays put.] 

Columbo: just humor me. Claire. Why don’t we start with you?

Claire: So, I've quit the Red Tide of the Doom of the Capitalist Roaders, and I’ve quit the Workers Paradise Liberation Front Singles Mixer. But the Inevitable Withering of the State Bingo Night, well I just can’t let go of them, they’re such sweet old ladies. 

Matt: Oh, I like Bingo! When are they?

Claire: … and I found a group called the Maybe It Isn’t So Bad After All Bowling League and I’m actually pretty good at bowling. There’s something deeply satisfying about bowling, isn’t there? 

[She turns to Matt, next to her]

Matt: No.

[END]